In the last few years of Grandma Paulines life, my older two kids, around 6 and 8 at the time, were confused about why we had to make time to see her. We shared a hotel room, and as we both got up early, we walked the beach at Waikiki every morning and then Grandma took me to a cafe for breakfast, a different one every day. One of her lungs had failed and she was no longer conscious. I think that she became a fighter, for herself and for her family. She was always and forever an influencer. She traveled Europe, South East Asia and Japan, and made many trips to the U.S. also. [], [] didnt really get to know Karen until after my mom passed in June 2013. A lot of the Japanese culture that I retain, as a fourth-generation Japanese Canadian, came from her. People didnt deliver meals or flowers. The grieving process is a long one, and never truly over, but hope your memories are helping to ease the sadness. When words fail, music comes through and pulls us all in. With me, she was always kind and patient. As everyone took stock of our familys past, I learned a surprising lesson: Memories borne through touch, taste, sound travel well. Its difficult today to fully comprehend the pain of this experience, and how it affected our community. The Japanese expression shoganai means something like it cant be helped; its a verbal shrug and is often invoked to describe a traditional resignation and acceptance of fate, an attitude in Japanese culture which allowed them to move on with their lives. By the time my sister Erin and our cousins Christa and Michael came along, she was older and had suffered the loss of my gentle grandfather, Hideo Sugiyama. Russell wheeled you outside for some fresh air and sunshine, and you smiled and tried to speak to me several times. She doesnt know us, theyd say. I feel like I lost my mom a long time ago, but there was no funeral, no obituary, no headstone, no closure. Thank you so much Pastor Bob. How lovely that you had such a long relationship with her and she was able to pass on so much of herself to other generations. However, by the time she was 85, the connection Id always considered so special, essential, and real had truly become formal and foreign. Do you know youre precious? she would ask during every outing together. Your email address will not be published. They had never seen me sob, and they couldnt grasp what was so sad about losing a person who barely remembered me. They had to start from scratch; my mother remembers a cabin with dirt floors. When Id ask about my grandfather, Norman, who died in his late 50s in a plane crash on his way to Japan, shed remind me that I was named after him. Well, she lived 94 years so you know Grandma didnt waste rice. We are hoping to move him into a nursing home closer to my grandmother early next week. When I launched this column, I promised myself that once a year, on the anniversary of her death, I would devote the column to her memory. We had a very different Christmas this year and I havent been able to post anything, despite having read many books. In 1915, her mother came to Canada as a picture bride. And I can attest that one of the last memories my mother shared with me consisted of her as a child, sledding down a hill, excited to reach her mothers outstretched arms at the bottom. We can reduce our risk to a far greater degree than most Americans realize or act upon. As Grandma lost her memory these last few years, she often mistook my daughter Mio for me; it took her a while sometimes to connect the adult I am now with the child she used to take care of. Canny Geordie Meaning, (When I saw her again, she was unconscious in the days before her passing.) She also boiled shiitake mushrooms which doesnt smell good to kids and to this day I cant eat shiitake. But I can finally remember her, I would have explained, except that I couldnt talk. Is she dead? I asked, in disbelief, but I knew the answer. In March, I wrote in Slow Motion: The Alzheimers Grieving Process: Alzheimers disease creates such a bizarre and unfair grieving process for families. Then we held a graveside service later that day at Sealy Cemetery in Sealy, Texas. [], [] After awaiting your passing and the end of your suffering for so long, I had no idea I would miss visiting you so much, even though you couldnt respond to me. She had a sense of the ridiculous and was always ready to laugh over anything silly. Then the war. The reason is that my mothers mother, my Grandma Sugiyama, passed away on Christmas Eve. For some people, we're here to celebrate "Lou." For others, "Mom." The five days leading up to my mothers death were physically and emotionally trying. Love for Christ. I couldnt tell anyone not at Christmas. "Since 2014, when the clinic was founded, it's been OK to say 'Alzheimer's disease' and 'prevention' in the same sentence.". The disease made the last few years especially painful, but she lived to age 85 and led a full life. When confronted with the question of why, Mom laughed and said: I dont know. But if she lost them, then I can only hope that she lost, too, the bitter memories of wartime and the hard years of struggle afterwards. Find NJ.com on Facebook. My kids found this hilarious; Grandma couldnt remember to stop singing. 'http':'https';if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src=p+"://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js";fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document,"script","twitter-wjs"); Privacy Policy Terms of Service RSS Feed Contact Us Donate, 2013-2022 Modern LossTM, LLC. I was expecting to choose hospice care for my grandfather when we met with the hospital staff last Thursday. : A Preschoolers Guide to Losing a Loved One, Keep Me In Your Heart: A Fathers Day Wish, My mother found peace after Alzheimers disease, Slow Motion: The Alzheimers Grieving Process, Memorial Service Packet Insert Page Dixie Stucky, Knesek Funeral Home Obituary and Guestbook. [NBC News], We Cant Comprehend This Much Sorrow [NY Times], The Familial Language of Black Grief [The Atlantic]. One of which was Margaret Mavis Harpley, 85, who had been suffering with Alzheimers Disease for a number of years. Very moving. I will continue to write this column every week, because it's important to put this information in front of people, and to keep it in front of them. [], [] This Sunday will bemy second Mothers Day since my mother died. Queer cripple with a PhD. She took me to church with her, to the Japanese United Church on Victoria Drive, where I met other children with similar backgrounds, and ate homemade udon noodles at the church bazaars. m_gallery_title = "Dementia cruelly, methodically took my mother\'s life"; Nicknames For Harley Girl, I recently lost my mother to Alzheimers. There was no high school in Deep Bay, so Grandma finished school at 13 and began to help her family on the fishing boat, in the cannery, and also working berry picking and farming. Shed tell me how smart he was and how much he would have loved me, but I couldnt get her to say anything of substance. I probably wanted to throttle you and I was taking it out on your heads! We all laughed hard, then noted how long it took for each of us to realize you dont have to shake your head violently to wash your hair. I never heard a word of bitterness or complaint from her. This Grandsons Eulogy for His Grandmother Will Touch Your Heart and Make You Long for Yours. I was the eldest, born at least 7 years before the next grandchild, so I commanded her attention, plus she was a fairly young grandmother with lots of energy for a young child. March 22, 2012December 11, 2012. Grandma never heard my dad preach a mediocre sermon; she never watched a ball game in which her kids or grandkids werent the most valuable player; and she never understood why John didnt get 100% of the vote in every election. Grandma was pretty frail by then and I wasnt sure she even knew who I was. Grandma and Grandpa set up a corner store in east Vancouver, which they kept open long hours. After all, she and her community had been unfairly victimized for nothing more than their ethnicity. Now go home and take care of your babies. Most of the other stories fell away to the point where I couldnt remember them either. The unexpected health risks of skim milk. But people dont quite know how to mourn someone whos still technically alive. On New Years Day she would make a special meal for everyone, with futomaki and the inevitable chow mein that is de rigeur at every Japanese Canadian family meal. Heres a transcript of what I said instead. She left quite a legacy for us and I just hope we can live up to her example. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); On March 29, 2022, I was invited by Senator John Thune to be the guest chaplain for the U.S. Senate,, In the past week, its suddenly become commonly accepted wisdom that congregational singing is, Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window), Protect Your Kids: How to Install an Internet Filter, Healthcare: Why Both Parties Are Missing the Point, A Historic Day: What Brexit Tells Us About Culture. I hope we always remember her strength and fortitude, her love of beauty and her keen aesthetic sense, her kindness and love for her family. Loved reading about how she passed Japanese culture to you. If you ask my four kids about their memory of Grandma, theyll likely talk about Thanksgiving 2 years ago. When the funeral finally arrived, I felt like it was for everyone else. She had a fall on the 20th of December that fractured her pelvis and back, and she was in hospital. And in her later years, when the more complex aspects of her personality had faded, her joyful faith in Jesus remained. Grandmas faith was never religious, dutiful, or pious. What a lifetime your grandmother had youve captured it so well, describing the wartime and subsequent hardships, but focusing on the gifts she passed on to you and your family. But I know now. Ironically, it seems fitting that such body memories ended up dominating a eulogy for someone who died of Alzheimers disease. Eulogy for a Grandmother I'm not sure how you begin to talk about a life that spanned nearly a centurya woman whose time included half a dozen wars, The Great Depression, and 17 different presidents. Archives I know how concerned people are about these matters because I hear from them every week. We will cherish each sweet moment together. Our last conversation was about Japan. She grew up in Deep Bay, on Vancouver Island, where her father was a fisherman, ranging as far as the Alaskan Panhandle on his small boat. | Such a nice eulogy to a lovely grandmother. Vincent OKeefe is a writer and stay-at-home father with a Ph.D. in American literature. When my grandmother died two weeks ago, I was asked to share a short eulogy at the memorial service. Another blogger I follow also unfortunately lost her Grandma. She told the same stories over and over, and as time went on closer and closer together. I was finally ready for her to go. But then, in January, my parents called with news that she had contracted pneumonia. I thought Id share it here for those friends whom I havent managed to tell. She looked after me a lot when I was young and my mother was establishing her career; I have very fond memories of the time I spent with her. Out of loyalty to our relationship and because it was the right thing to do, I spent time with my grandmother whenever I came to Chicago to see my parents. I didnt know I would say goodbye to my mother eight days after I wrote Keep Me In Your Heart: A Fathers Day Wish. [], [] That night, a great peace washed over me. She fixed my hair with gentle hands. After a couple of days of absorbing the shock and trying to erase that final image of my mothers lifeless body, I woke up that Monday morning feeling at peace. And many of us here today are the fruit of those prayers. But the truth is that my grandmother had been gone for more than a decade when she took her last breath. 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